A Second of Happiness Lost in Eternal Time

Let's face it; I'm not popular. I don't like to socialize with people I do not know, and I do not wish to introduce to anyone either. Even when I start to talk with someone, there are about 152 things that they have to have (or not have) in order to be considered "friend material". Let's just say that in my almost 22 years of living, I have only had 4 friends. Yep, 4. F-O-U-R, 4. Not that that matters really, but just so you understand. Oh, and of course, that is excluding Zak. He will forever be my best and true friend, but that's how it's suppose to be with your husband, right?

A brief history lesson will quickly explain a couple so I can continue on with the real story: The first one I was friends with for just over 10 years. It was a bitter-sweet relationship, as it was my first friend, and no one wants to lose their first friend. Anyway, once I met Zak and realized how a true friend treats you, I realized I was being treated like dirt. I still didn't want to give up the friendship, but when she wasn't even respectful about Zak, and her father was a psycho-freak, we stopped talking. That was the first day of Grade 10. For 3 years, I had no one to talk to, and everyone eyed me like a freak. High School was a very long time for me.

Next, I was forced to live with 5 other girls in my college residence. Again, because of the social outcast that I am (not that I'm complaining about that), they all became fast friends, and I was alone. There was one girl that I hated so much, that I found out she was highly allergic to fish, so all I ate for a week were tuna sandwiches. I don't know what happened, but shortly afterwards, we became great friends. This time, the relationship ended abruptly when I dropped out of college. We'd talk occasionally online, but without hanging out, we soon drifted apart as well, and now we never talk.

Once I left Canada and came to live in the US, I didn't even have semi-friends anymore. I hated the guy that Zak & I lived with, so I literally lived in the bedroom with the adjoining bathroom. It was like I was Anne Frank, locked away for no one to see. A few months after I got married, I found out I was pregnant. Because I was only 19, I thought that I should find a "bump buddy" who had a due date close to me. Thus, I found my next friend. She was 3 years younger than me, and was so scared about being pregnant. All my troubles were minor compared to hers. She went through telling her mother, finding out her boyfriend was cheating on her, to giving up the baby for adoption. She lived a few states south of me, but she did come up and visit me once. We used to talk for hours, but then after I had John, and she started college, we too stopped talking. With the upcoming wedding, I wanted to still include her in it, and she seemed actually happy to be a bridesmaid. It is so hard to talk with her, as we're both so busy, that I just knew that she had bought her dress, and that was it. I didn't know what day she was coming up, or if she was even coming up at all. She started to ignore all my texts to the point where I called Davids Bridal today to ask if she had even bought a dress from there. Turns out; she hadn't. She probably wanted to, but couldn't, and couldn't bare to tell me the truth. Yet, she still is ignoring my texts. I guess we weren't as close as I thought we were.

Not even a year ago, my current best friend and I met for the first time. We lived only a few doors down from one another, but I had no interest in meeting her because she's a Mormon. Once I figured out they weren't blood-thirsty vampires, I started going to play groups with her. Now she's my matron-of-honor for my wedding, and I couldn't be happier. She's even a couple of months pregnant with her 4th child. The first damper in our relationship happened when I moved two towns over, so we couldn't see each other as frequently. Still, we made it work. Then, her husband got a job offer in Texas. Now she's moving within a month or two. I already know what distances do to relationships, and I have no faith that this will work out.

Do I feel sad? Yes. But I've done it before. If you go out looking for friends, you'll never find them (and I get angry because I have to start talking to a stranger). But, perhaps in time I'll find another friend. I just wish that I could have someone to talk to about things, to vent, to cry to, to cry with, to just keep me company. Someone who has a child and knows how hard it is to raise them away from help by family members. But, the likelihood of that happening is slim... slim to none.

We Lived!

Yesterday was the supposed end of the world, and I can't lie and say I wasn't just a tad worried. You know, just in case it was actually true. But, as I am now typing this on December 22nd 2012, I presume that the Mayans were not anticipating the end of the world, but perhaps the end of their calendar.

Regardless, we had an awesome party to celebrate. Everyone was drinking, and laughing. We played the N Game, and had an orgy consisting of 5 people (literal definition of an orgy is to take off your socks and be in bed with at least 2 other people). Zak even got his own strippers to perform for him on our pole in the basement. I didn't say female strippers... his best man Graham, and a good friend Justin, performed for him.

Zak and I retired to bed at around 1am, but from what I hear, the party lasted much longer than that. Sure, in the morning I had to get a shovel to make a path through the beer bottles to get to my darling son, but it was definitely worth it. Next time, hopefully I can participate as well!

Oh how I wish I had Zzzz's...

I can barely type out this post this morning from the lack of sleep that I had last night. Zak didn't get home from snowboarding until 11:30pm, and then we had to stay up and talk about what we did that day. At the time, we were both truly interested in each other's stories. But, as the time got later, we realized that we needed to go to sleep.

Unfortunately, my brain never got the memo. I kept thinking about different things, from the possible ovulation that had just happened, to the wedding, to the Christmas dinner that we'd be experiencing the next day. It didn't help that my leg decided to cramp, and with me over thinking, a headache was not far behind. It was 1:30am, and I still couldn't fall asleep.

Shortly after that time, I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, it was 6:30am. I woke up to my brain being turned on at 100% capacity, thinking of all the things I was thinking about only a few hours ago. I took my temperature, though it was a bit early; 99.4F compared to yesterday's 99.2F! It looks like I probably did ovulate, though I'll know for sure tomorrow.

Heck if I could go to sleep after knowing I probably ovulated. By 7:30am, I gave up and decided to drag myself down to the family room in attempts to... who knows. Well, I feel nauseous this morning, with a Stage 4 headache, working on only 4 hours of sleep. This is going to be a long day...

A Spark of Hope...

I suppose I'll be writing a bunch of these "sparks of hope" whenever I think I've ovulated. It's almost like I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac now; always thinking that there's a chance.

Well, not that this is of anyone's business, but Zak & I have been baby-dancing every other night to ensure that we catch this egg! However, of course, the time that we truly needed to, we skipped because it was becoming more of a routine than a choice. So, we skipped that one time.

The following time that we would have tried, we did; and a good thing to since I think I ovulated on that day! Sure, it would have been a lot better had we baby-danced two days before that as well, but at least we did it on the exact day I ovulated! Well... maybe...

It takes 3 days after you ovulate to confirm that you ovulated. So, today, being one day past ovulation, it's looking good. My temperature jumped up really really high! But, if tomorrow it is back down lower, it was just a fluke. In one way, I'd be sad since I thought I ovulated, but in another, I'd be glad because we could make sure to have sex every other day until I truly ovulate.

Well, here's to hoping that I'm actually pregnant now. My due date would be September 8th 2013, though knowing my history, I'd be having an August baby. I'd also, according to the Chinese Lunar Age Gender Chart, be having a little girl! Even though it'll kill me, I think I'll wait to test until New Years Eve, and then at 10 seconds before midnight, announce it to Zak! I think it'd be amazing to welcome in the New Year like that.

Who knows; if I go early, and Rachel goes late, we may end up having babies right around the same time. I guess everything does work out after all...

The Hypochondriac gets her Wish

Anyone can tell you I'm a hypochondriac. Literally, my picture is beside the word in the Webster's Dictionary. Now, most people who are hypochondriacs won't admit to it. Me on the other hand, know it and still act crazy.

I think the main reason why I am like that, is because if there are so many illnesses/diseases out there, then shouldn't I be subject to get one as well? Also, the factor that many of them can kill you (example Appendicitis) if you don't act upon it scares me enough to jump to conclusions. True, it probably was very annoying to my family when I would claim that my appendix was rupturing every month because I had a pain in my abdomen. Unfortunately, I foresee me being the Boy who Cried Wolf, and end up actually needing care, but no one will listen.

Anyway, this particular blog isn't about my random pain sides. This is about me being convinced that I was infertile. Going on two years ago, I got pregnant with my son John. Lo and behold, I wasn't infertile. I was over the moon that I was able to conceive. So, when Zak & I decided to start trying for baby #2, I figured it would be just as easy. And this is where the blog truly begins...

In April of this year, I decided I wanted another baby. I had been charting my cycles since John was born five months ago, and they seemed excellent. Perfect actually; 28 day cycles, when normally I had 35 day cycles back before I was pregnant. The only thing that concerned me was that instead of having 14 days (or my regular 12 days) of a luteal phase, I was only having 7 days. The luteal phase is from the time you ovulate, till you get your next period. The problem with that is that if I conceive, I would miscarriage without even knowing it. The embryo wouldn't have time to implant itself before my next cycle would start.

Zak & I talked about it, and I decided to go to the doctors to make sure I was healthy and everything before trying. That was on June 20th. I had just ovulated, and was expecting my period in a few days. The doctor told me to get some progesterone cream and use it only after I ovulated until my period came. Her thoughts were that it would lengthen the luteal phase, allowing me to successfully conceive. Otherwise, I had the green light to trying!

We discussed everything, and decided that we would get pregnant in August, as Zak would be done with his classes, and he could help me out over the summer months. Well, John started crawling in July, and became an absolute handful! Now we were scared to try, in case we couldn't handle two kids at once. So we were very careful to use contraceptives until after I ovulated... which never came. I was expecting to ovulate in mid/late July, and the next thing I knew, it was August with no signs of ovulation or a period. I thought that perhaps we had gotten pregnant by mistake, and took several pregnancy tests. All negative.

I then schedule a blood test in mid August; negative. They figured I just skipped a period, which is sometimes normal, and I was sent home. On the last day of August, I finally ovulated. We had become careless, and stopped using contraceptives as much, and 3 days before I ovulated, we had had sex. I was in a mix of emotions. In one way, we had hoped to get pregnant then anyway, so it wouldn't have really mattered. In another, we had just started planning our Renewal of Vows and that would have to be canceled if I was pregnant.

I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test, and another blood test on top of those; all negatives. It was now 17 days past when I ovulated, and I was ready to bet my life that I was pregnant, but then I got my period. Now that I had been so sure that I was pregnant, it felt really bad to not be pregnant.

Again, as we always do, Zak & I talked about getting pregnant again, and we decided that we should try again after October 12th (some Chinese Calendar said to wait till after that date if we wanted a girl; call us crazy, 'cause we know it!). I thought that my cycles would become regular again, which meant we would have to wait till the following month to try. But then, October 12th came and went, and I still hadn't ovulated! So we got busy, trying and trying and trying. Either on October 30th or 31st, I ovulated, and we had timed everything perfectly. I was ready to take a pregnancy test on John's first birthday and announce to everyone that we were pregnant again.

I made a doctors appointment on John's Birthday, just in case I wasn't pregnant. I took a test in the morning of November 12th, and it was negative. After talking with the doctors for a few minutes, they diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It was going to be extremely hard for me to have another child with this. I couldn't believe it. I had that ounce of faith that I was still pregnant, but later that evening, I started my period. It felt like the entire world was against me. It wasn't fair! I am only 21 years old, and I have been forced to only have one child.

Now that almost a month has passed since I was told the news, I have come to accept it somewhat. Not entirely, and I am still most upset about it. But, I have hope. The doctor wants to put me on Clomid in April, providing I haven't gotten pregnant by myself yet. I feel so blessed that I have John, when a lot of women with PCOS don't even get one child. And for that, I am forever eternally grateful.

Writing Blogs (again)

Well, that failed. I tried to keep up with blogging, but life definitely got in the way. Basically, this is what you need to know without the drama (we'll save that for later):

- The Renewal of Vows is going well
- Moved from Blacksburg to Radford (NOT the original house we had in mind)
- John turned 1!
- I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)

I'm sure there is a bunch of other things, but those will fade from my memory in time, and become insignificant. Let's start on a new leaf, and hope that this doesn't fail again...

Mouse-icle

It seems that I forgot to post about a certain incident, which will lead to the incident that happened yesterday. Let me start with the first, naturally.

Zak and I had come home from dinner a few nights ago (precisely August 22) and we were both worn out. As we sat in the dining room, for one reason or another, I wanted to go into the living room. When I got up and started walking, I stepped on something round and hard, yet small. I went to pick it up, as it could definitely be a choking hazard to John, but it looked strange. I got closer to see what it was, and it was a mouse head! Beside it where it's little paws, and one leg. The rest of the poor creature was missing - the cats must have gotten him. I did the typical frantic housewife jumping on the chair act, as if it were alive and running in between my feet. Zak disposed of it, and we both wondered how it got in our apartment, as we're on the 2nd floor. I settled down, and went on with my night.

Now - that brings me to yesterday. I was going about cleaning up, getting ready to watch the 2 little ones for an hour; nothing out of the ordinary. John crept silently into my bedroom, which I allowed, as there was nothing in there to harm him. As I was running back and forth doing errands, I noticed he was sucking on something. It took me no longer than a second to realize that he was sucking on the regurgitated mouse body! Because it was all deformed now and whatnot from being swallowed, thrown up, and now sucked on like a popsicle, I couldn't tell if John had swallowed any other parts.

I quickly grabbed the nasty thing, scolded John, and tried to induce vomiting. When nothing came up, I rinsed his mouth out with water, and gave him his bottle. I didn't think it was a big deal that he sucked on it, just merely a gross factor. I texted Zak about it, and he thought it'd be wise to see if John could get sick from it.

I tried to research it under Google, "9.5 month sucking on dead mouse" but obviously no other child had done this. I called my mother, who wasn't home, but my brother was. He told me that John was fine. I tried to call my maternal grandmother - no answer. I then called my paternal grandmother who is a retired registered nurse. She flipped, though I think it was mainly from the gross factor. 

I called the hospital's Tele-Nurse, and she gave me the number to Poison Control. Poison Control then gave me the number to the Rabies hotline. The Rabies guy gave me the number to the Animal Control, and after all that time, I found out that he should be fine, though he could get sick. The first thing to watch for is worms. Something treatable, and mainly just gross. The second is salmonella, and the last being leptospirosis which can be potentially fatal. 

So for the next 2 weeks, I have to watch and see if he has any symptoms, which from the sounds of it, can be anything. Whether you pray, cross your fingers, or believe in lady luck - think of John.