Let's face it; I'm not popular. I don't like to socialize with people I do not know, and I do not wish to introduce to anyone either. Even when I start to talk with someone, there are about 152 things that they have to have (or not have) in order to be considered "friend material". Let's just say that in my almost 22 years of living, I have only had 4 friends. Yep, 4. F-O-U-R, 4. Not that that matters really, but just so you understand. Oh, and of course, that is excluding Zak. He will forever be my best and true friend, but that's how it's suppose to be with your husband, right?
A brief history lesson will quickly explain a couple so I can continue on with the real story: The first one I was friends with for just over 10 years. It was a bitter-sweet relationship, as it was my first friend, and no one wants to lose their first friend. Anyway, once I met Zak and realized how a true friend treats you, I realized I was being treated like dirt. I still didn't want to give up the friendship, but when she wasn't even respectful about Zak, and her father was a psycho-freak, we stopped talking. That was the first day of Grade 10. For 3 years, I had no one to talk to, and everyone eyed me like a freak. High School was a very long time for me.
Next, I was forced to live with 5 other girls in my college residence. Again, because of the social outcast that I am (not that I'm complaining about that), they all became fast friends, and I was alone. There was one girl that I hated so much, that I found out she was highly allergic to fish, so all I ate for a week were tuna sandwiches. I don't know what happened, but shortly afterwards, we became great friends. This time, the relationship ended abruptly when I dropped out of college. We'd talk occasionally online, but without hanging out, we soon drifted apart as well, and now we never talk.
Once I left Canada and came to live in the US, I didn't even have semi-friends anymore. I hated the guy that Zak & I lived with, so I literally lived in the bedroom with the adjoining bathroom. It was like I was Anne Frank, locked away for no one to see. A few months after I got married, I found out I was pregnant. Because I was only 19, I thought that I should find a "bump buddy" who had a due date close to me. Thus, I found my next friend. She was 3 years younger than me, and was so scared about being pregnant. All my troubles were minor compared to hers. She went through telling her mother, finding out her boyfriend was cheating on her, to giving up the baby for adoption. She lived a few states south of me, but she did come up and visit me once. We used to talk for hours, but then after I had John, and she started college, we too stopped talking. With the upcoming wedding, I wanted to still include her in it, and she seemed actually happy to be a bridesmaid. It is so hard to talk with her, as we're both so busy, that I just knew that she had bought her dress, and that was it. I didn't know what day she was coming up, or if she was even coming up at all. She started to ignore all my texts to the point where I called Davids Bridal today to ask if she had even bought a dress from there. Turns out; she hadn't. She probably wanted to, but couldn't, and couldn't bare to tell me the truth. Yet, she still is ignoring my texts. I guess we weren't as close as I thought we were.
Not even a year ago, my current best friend and I met for the first time. We lived only a few doors down from one another, but I had no interest in meeting her because she's a Mormon. Once I figured out they weren't blood-thirsty vampires, I started going to play groups with her. Now she's my matron-of-honor for my wedding, and I couldn't be happier. She's even a couple of months pregnant with her 4th child. The first damper in our relationship happened when I moved two towns over, so we couldn't see each other as frequently. Still, we made it work. Then, her husband got a job offer in Texas. Now she's moving within a month or two. I already know what distances do to relationships, and I have no faith that this will work out.
Do I feel sad? Yes. But I've done it before. If you go out looking for friends, you'll never find them (and I get angry because I have to start talking to a stranger). But, perhaps in time I'll find another friend. I just wish that I could have someone to talk to about things, to vent, to cry to, to cry with, to just keep me company. Someone who has a child and knows how hard it is to raise them away from help by family members. But, the likelihood of that happening is slim... slim to none.
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