Negative Results

My midwife's office called me this afternoon, and it's confirmed that I'm not pregnant. I must have just skipped my period. Though I should be dancing around and feeling relieved, I feel like just lying down and thinking about everything.

No, right now would not be a good time to have a child, but I had come to believe that I possibly was. This morning I was at the entrance to the spare bedroom (the would-of-been nursery) just gazing at it. In my mind, I deleted all the clutter that I saw, and replaced it nursery furniture. I saw the white crib against the wall along with the dresser and changing table. In the corner, I would have had a rocking chair. Everything would have been white with the walls being the palest purple you ever saw. I envisioned myself in the chair, breastfeeding my daughter (I had a hunch it would have been a girl), rocking her to sleep. I also envisioned my two children sitting at my feet as I read them a story before bed. 

But I guess the time wasn't right, and I'm not suppose to be having a baby right now. Maybe this December when/if we have a honeymoon I'll become with child, or perhaps I'll have to wait until next summer. In the mean time, John is my baby and I wouldn't change that for the world.