The nurse from my midwife's office called me today saying that my midwife wanted me to have a blood test done, to see if I'm pregnant. I have come to terms that if I'm pregnant, I can do this. I mean, I had originally wanted to get pregnant this month anyway. Both Zak and I however will feel relieved if I'm not though. Having the children only 16 - 17 months apart would be really hard.
When John was 6 months old, I was convinced that I would want another baby immediately. But it soon hit me that he was just a baby still himself. I longed for him to want me, to be dependent on me, that I was so hasty to decide on "replacing" him. If anything, now I'm scared to get pregnant, in case I steal away his innocence. I want him to have enough time being the spotlight of attention.
In another way though, if I find out tomorrow that I'm not pregnant, I think a part of me will ache. I've almost convinced myself that I am pregnant, that the idea is starting to grow on me. Of course it'd be nothing compared to having a miscarriage, but it still will feel like something was torn from me. This is a win-win lose-lose situation. Only tomorrow will tell with it's infinite wisdom.
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